What is the use of gaining skills and knowledge if one does not use them? There’s nothing wrong with learning purely for the sake of learning, but when you are subsisting, and struggling to create a better life for yourself, it seems a bit masochistic. What is it that stops me from utilising the things I know to create the life I want and need?
I experienced a life-changing illness 10 years ago, at the age of 33, and my life was turned upside down. The illness and the damage done by it, along with the treatment I received and continue to receive, has meant the dreams I once had were shattered, and all that I had worked for up to that point – both in terms of education and employment, was for nothing. At least that’s how it felt at the time, and for the past 10 years I’ve been struggling to create a new identity for myself, find new direction and passions, and find substitutes for things like running and mountain climbing. But I’ve failed to do so.
This failure has many parts, but let’s start with the internal. Even before I fell ill I was seeking external experiences – things like love, gratification, recognition, appreciation and respect – to address the emptiness I felt within. When I fell ill, this degraded to far greater depths, as past, unresolved traumas came rushing to the surface and consumed me. I lost control of the wheel – the entire vehicle in fact – and I didn’t have the faculties to make sound, considered or informed decisions.
I’ve come to realise that I’ve not actually made a meaningful decision in the past 10 years. I’ve been mourning the loss of the life I had, and existing in a fog that is only now starting to lift slightly – affording me the opportunity to explore with some clarity what has been and gone, who I am now, and what I want from the time I have left on this amazing planet. I’ve been making reactionary choices to limited options, and allowing my life to be guided by fear and insecurities. The result has been isolation and profound loneliness that has come from becoming disconnected from myself and the world around me; toxic, dysfunctional relationships that have only enhanced an already suffocating lack of self-worth and self-confidence; and stagnation in terms of my work and financial situation.
The daily practice I’ve put into place, starting with mediation, has been the catalyst for lifting the fog ever so slightly. Maybe it stems from feeling like I’m regaining a little control – placing my hands back on the wheel after a decade of feeling like a backseat passenger, and from seeing once more that commitment to something positive has positive consequences. One of the fundamental things I must do on this journey is to forge a new relationship with my body and my mind – both separately, and to nurture the power of the mind-body link.
While a new relationship must be forged, I must also reconnect with my former selves, and reintroduce in some form that which made gave me a sense of self and purpose. I didn’t actually need to let go of everything and try and rebuild something new. I thought I did because of not being able to lead the physical life I once had, and not being able to work in remote overseas communities because of being immunocompromised. But these pursuits, aspirations and dreams had their roots in something deeper and more closely connected with who I am. Working in overseas development was only ever a particular expression of that – one potential expression. The same is true of climbing mountains and running.
Over the past few months I’ve therefore been trying to discover and understand the deeper forces that drove me towards those expressions of my self, and to then learn of alternative ways of expressing those forces, those desires, that ensures they are fulfilled. I also want to learn how to make good decisions and avoid bad choices as the person I am today. But ultimately I have all the knowledge and tools I need to succeed – I just need to figure out how to use them in a positive, constructive way along a path that is guided by my true self, and not be the fears and insecurities that have been driving me deeper and deeper into the fog and further and further from a place of peace, love and fulfilment.
This is where my lack of applying myself needs to be addressed. Over the past 10 years, and indeed throughout my adult life, I have amassed a broad range of knowledge and skills. However, I’ve mastered none, and instead reached a plateau where I have remained. I’ve not sought to master anything, and I have not applied what I do know to create any meaningful benefit – certainly not to myself, which I feel is a typical consequence of mastering something. As we start along the path towards creating benefit and utilising the skills and knowledge we have, we refine and build up on that knowledge, and so also walk the path towards mastering – to some meaningful level – that skill or subject.
The fact I have not sought to master anything – having failed to find passions to replace those I had before falling ill – nor sought to utilise the skills and knowledge I have acquired to my benefit or the benefit of others, means I am still sitting atop of a plateau staring longing at the mountain’s peak. So, rather than finding replacements, I must find the root drivers and establish new forms of expression using the skills and knowledge I have currently, and factoring in my current physical capacity, to start my journey towards mastering something and functioning at a higher level – reaching that mountain top – and doing so in a way that benefits me and the people and world around me. To do this I must apply what I already know – I have all that I need to succeed – and start using it in a considered, sustainable and constructive manner.